Whoops - we just threw away a relationship

We don’t often think about throwing away relationships.

But there is an increasing amount of research into the concept of relational disposability. I should pause and give credit to Dr. Omri Gillath, someone who I spoke with in-depth about this, and who is actively doing research on this very thing (watch his lab’s video here).

So, what is relational disposability? It’s viewing your relationships as if they can be discarded and then easily replaced.

Imagine a whiteboard marker - it dries up, we toss it out, and then we go get a new one.

Unfortunately, we may use this same approach with friendships, acquaintances, and deep relationships.

I used to work in the tech industry and I’d see this a lot. Someone would grind away at a job for three years, all the while they’d be going to happy hours, making friends, possibly even attending a church or being a regular at a sports league.

Then, they get approached with a new job title, a higher compensation, and an adventurous move to a new life in a new city.

Let me stop here to say, I’m ALL about adventure, making more money, and becoming more accomplished. Yet, in the midst of this, we often undercut how valuable the roots we’ve laid are.

That sports league you were a part of is an opportunity to have face-to-face interactions with strangers, make friends that will ask us about our lives, and ultimately allow us to discover ourselves by living life in community.

And the truth is, IT IS HARD TO BUILD COMMUNITY. It is hard to make friends. We have so many other options nowadays that have immensely less risk and friction. TikTok can entertain us, Tim Robinson’s “I Think You Should Leave” can make us laugh, and we don’t need to talk to people at the grocery store because our groceries get delivered.

It will feel like you’re doing a lot more than you should be doing. Because historically, we didn’t have to do this much. We had to talk to people more. We had to rely on each other more. We had to talk to a cashier.

When we accept that new job offer, how often are we thinking to ourselves, “rebuilding a whole new group of friends may not be worth the $10K pay raise.” Or, “I’m really gonna miss the roots I’ve laid in this community and I’m unsure if it’s worth the change in job title.”

Think twice about how valuable your relationships are. And then lean further into your network.