A Battle for Connection: Navigating the Modern Social Life

I am conflicted.

My feet are placed in opposing spaces.

Technological development has created a transient workforce, a digital society, and a frictionless economy.

We spend less time around others than ever before.

We invite others over less, we host fewer gatherings, and we trust fewer people.

Americans spend more time streaming media than socializing with friends.

Amazon delivery, self-checkouts, and AI customer service bots reduce mundane moments to connect with strangers.

We know that we need people in our life. 

It’s an innate requirement: humans are social creatures.

And we all know that loneliness is uncomfortable.

As I type this, the World Health Organization is developing a Global Commission on Social Connection, the U.S. Surgeon General has selected social connection as 2023’s national health priority, and comprehensive research reports, like Meta and Gallup’s Global State of Social Connections, bring to light the importance of our social health.

Reducing social isolation is an important matter.

It’s evident that some people are lonely.

It’s also evident that loneliness is physically harmful. Lonely people deal with a slew of pains, including persistent stress, high blood pressure, poor sleep, and acute feelings of hopelessness.

Talking to strangers makes our day better.

Having a close circle of friends makes us happier.

Laughing with coworkers makes work more enjoyable.

Nurturing family relationships reminds us of legacy.

Going on dates gives us butterflies and ignites sparks.

Checking in with neighbors makes home feel safe.

And choosing to spend time alone allows us to reflect.

We need all these things. But many of us lack at least one of them.

Maybe we are close with our family but we never talk to strangers.

Or we’re tight with our coworkers, friends, and neighbors, but we crave for an intimate relationship.

We may even be great with everyone, yet we’re unable to spend time alone.

Loneliness is part of the human experience. 

It’s a natural response to losing a loved one, leaving an intimate relationship, or moving away from friends.

There are several aspects of loneliness.

• intimate loneliness: desiring a close confidant or intimate partner

• relational loneliness: desiring social support from friends and colleagues

• collective loneliness: desiring to be a part of a network or group

Loneliness signals to our body that we desire more social connection.

We can aim to reduce feelings of loneliness, but we should never attempt to reduce our ability to feel lonely.

Loneliness communicates to us that we need to make a change.

Technology deeply impacts our social fabric. 

Commercial airfare gives us the opportunity to see the world, while simultaneously leaving the world we grew up in.

Social media gives us the ability to interact with more people than ever, while simultaneously inundating us with FOMO and envy.

Video games allow us to vicariously live a new life, while simultaneously keeping us glued to a screen.

We have difficulty managing the dopamine rush technology gives us.

We also have difficulty understanding how convenient it has made life.

If you have a cell phone with internet, you can wake up and:

• check your email

• tiredly send emails

• read the news

• look at the day’s schedule

• adjust your thermostat to the day temp

• order a coffee from Starbucks

• watch what happened last night in the NBA

• video call your significant other who’s traveling through Spain

• look at your banking app to see how much you can spend on lunch

• turn on your favorite podcast about sunlight exposure

And then get out of bed (we could have kept going but we’re all on the same page).

It’s unreal the amount of things we can do with technology.

The convenience of tech is alluring.

I’m currently on day four of not having TikTok on my phone.

I decided to delete the app when I found myself making scrambled eggs on the stovetop while simultaneously scrolling through videos.

I couldn’t put the phone down.

A lot of us feel that way. We can’t turn off the TV, log out of the video game, get away from Instagram, or quit looking at porn.

The accessibility, the variety, the excitement - what is it costing us?

Our normal is to choose a screen instead of a person.

We’ve gotten quite good at this.

We believe we’ve gotten good enough to make it worth it.

But I think we’re losing.

Our trust for one another has dropped precipitously.

Our empathy for each other has become scarce.

Our sense of self worth is being hijacked.

It’s not completely our lack of discipline or insight.

Remember, the allure of tech is deafening.

And it will get even more alluring.

It’s surprising to me that we don’t gather more.

I understand COVID hamstrung our social infrastructure.

We were quarantined, social distanced, and isolated.

Mental health tumbled, businesses closed down, and our communities struggled.

I know that culture plays an immense role.

If you live in Tokyo, you gather differently than those who live in El Paso.

Also, people are different.

There are extroverts and introverts with different social batteries.

But still, I feel like its easier than ever to initiate a hang out.

Its easier than ever to get the food needed to host a dinner, find a recipe online, and watch a video explaining how to double sear a steak.

We can create cute invites on Canva, send out a mass email, and post an Instagram story with a funny gif.

We can even call someone directly and invite them over.

But we rarely do it.

I need to do it more.

We are not doomed.

We can choose to prioritize people.

• You can raise your empathy by taking a break from social media.

• You can restore your attention span by limiting task switching.

• You can get better at small talk by interacting with strangers.

And tech is not the doom.

• Social media can be a great tool to initiate a coffee date.

• YouTube can be an awesome way to learn the rules of pickleball.

• ChatGPT can help you put together an email (or a post like this).

But we need to make a decision.

Our phones will always be there.

They’re even making titanium phones now.

But we have an innate social wiring that we can’t forget.

We were born with a need to belong.

Our brains know when we’re talking face-to-face vs. on the screen.

It’s not the same.

Let’s think about this.

Do you know your neighbors?

When was the last time you talked to them?

How about the last time you had an actual conversation with a stranger?

Or the most recent cold call you made to a friend?

What about the last gathering you hosted?

I’m sure we could keep asking each other these questions.

It all contributes to our social health.

And I feel like a lot of us need to take a moment for self-examination.

Yes, loneliness is part of our lives; so is friendship, meaningful relationships, and thoughtful conversation.

So, lets experience them both, fully.

You can start there.

We can start there.