The Art of In-Person Discovery

I had three weeks until I moved to North Carolina.

Soon I’d be starting a Master’s program and moving out of state.

I got a ding on my phone and saw an email from the Director of Grad Studies welcoming everyone to the graduate program.

The email was addressed to me and 14 other people.

It was an exciting email. It featured the official university letterhead and it detailed what to expect for orientation. Things were getting REAL!

But I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking:

“WHO ARE THESE 14 OTHER PEOPLE?”

I started to click each of their names on Gmail and see if they had profile pics.

I copy and pasted their names to search on Facebook, looking through their photos, reading their bios, and seeing their recent posts.

I even Googled their names and saw their LinkedIn and Instagram accounts.

Playing this back is not doing me favors but I think we’ve all done it.

We are curious creatures - ESPECIALLY when it comes to people.

We crave information, we all need to belong, and we all want to feel secure.

Because of this, our brains dislike uncertainty and prefer that we get rid of it.

Historically this required conversation, exploration, and discovery.

But now we can channel the energy of great explorers like Lewis and Clark while we sit in our Adirondack chairs, drinking black cherry Waterloo, and looking at random people’s social media on our cracked phone screen.

We call this virtual front-loading.

Here’s a definition. Virtual front-loading: extensively researching information about someone online before meeting them in-person.

We do this all the time. For work, for school, for friends, for dating.

One unique example is couchsurfing.

Paolo Parigi, a Stanford professor, looked at couchsurfing data and came up with an interesting finding, I’ll share a blurb from the article and the reference.

For those who don’t know, couchsurfing.com is like Airbnb but free and oriented towards travelers rather than tourists.

People couchsurfing had a weaker relationship when they researched one another.

And this reality isn’t limited to couchsurfing hosts and guests.

The more we learn about each other before an in-person meeting, the less we have to discover when we meet one another in-person.

The more we scroll, the more we think we know.

The more we think we know, the more expectations we set for the relationship.

And expectations are rarely good on strangers, new relationships, and conversations.

Virtual front-loading replaces serendipity.

It removes the aha moments where you both learn that Disney World is your favorite vacation.

Or when you realize that you two are both the youngest sibling.

And it matters how we figure this stuff out about each other.

We process things differently when someone tells us face-to-face.

We are more gracious, we use context, and we are slower to label one another.

We can see each other’s smile, see the exhaustion hiding under makeup, or feel the energy that they bring.

This leads me to a big question.

How are you getting to know the people in your life?

Sleuthing online may feel like you know the person, but it’s deceiving.

We are quick to label, fill in the blanks, and even write people off.

It may feel like we’re connected but we’re missing the benefits of becoming connected.

I think we could be doing a lot less digital front-loading.

I think we could embrace more mystery in our interactions.

I think we’re shortchanging ourselves by making up our minds before we even share a room with someone.

And let me quickly mention, not every case of digital front-loading is bad.

When you’re prepping for an interview then you may want to have some talking points. If you’re about to be sharing a room with someone, there may be some good things to know.

But a lot of times it isn’t critical for us to do our sleuthing.

I think it’s in those moments where we’re hurting ourself.

There may just be some uncertainty about who people are.

And that’s OK.

I hope you enjoyed this! Currently writing in Florida and I’ve obtained a sunburn since starting this but it was well worth it.

Focus on the art of in-person discovery with those around you and spend less time sleuthing.

Have a great day you all ❤️

Chris